God, I Hate This Planet
by Kyia.L.Kenobi
Summary: South Park SG1 Crossover. No! I hear you cry but its more a nod to the window of opportunity episode. Basically The original crew go through a gate and end up in our favourite quiet little mountain town! FINISHED


C. Jack O'Neil got the familiar funny feelings in his stomach staring at the open Star Gate.

No matter how many times I go through that adrenalin buzz still kicked in just as it had the first time, I glance over at the other members of my team.

_Maybe it's because I've still got to rely on Daniel to do most of the thinking_. No doubt Carter would have some over wordy explanation for it, she normally did, but I suspect that was due in part to the fact she knows that all the techno babble get on my nerves.

Just for fun we're going on a blind jump, the probe had got through the gate to P4RK okay and had detected no Goa'uld presence but then mysteriously the signal had blown. General Hammond had decided to send us in anyway, after all they we the best, or the most expendable, I don't think he had decided which yet.

Sam looked in my direction with a raised eyebrow, breaking me out of my little reverie "Colonel?"

So I mumble a reply and step through the gate.

"What the fck was that?"

I open my eyes and wince, what's with all the colours, no wonder the probe had shorted out, last time I was this day glow I was driving round in a V.W camper-van in 1969. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"

"No you dumb ass" This fat kid stares at me

"This is all your fault Cartman, I told you we shouldn't have fcked around with that thing" Said another kid with a what looked like a green deerstalker hat on

"Hmmmmmhmmmmmhmmmmmm"

"You are such a pussy, that's what you are, a big dumb pussy Jew!"

"Shut up Cartman!"

The Kids continued to argue with language that made Sam blush, suddenly I'm starting to like this planet.

Teal'c turns to me "Colonel O'Neil, what is a donkey rping sht eater?"

"It's best you don't know" Daniel cuts in before I could answer; I hate it when he does that, especially when I had such a good reply.

"Cartman, you have such a fat ass that when people walk down the street they go 'damn it that's a big fat ass'"

"No they don't!"

"hhhmmmmfffphhhhhhhhhhhh"

Sam couldn't understand what the boy in the orange parker was saying but she was pretty sure she agreed, after all, damn it, it was a big fat ass.

"Is no one else finding this strange?" Daniel asked

The boys all turned towards the members of the SGC.

"Wow!" said the one with the green deerstalker "We've made army guys, sweet!"

The one they had been calling Cartman turned towards them with a cunning look in his enormous bulging eyes "Don't you realise what this means? We could set up our own military dictatorship and rule all of South Park. We could make them teach Terrance and Phillip in school and charge cheesy poof taxes"

"Wow sir" said Carter sarcastically under her breath "These guys think big"

"They are only children" Teal'c replied.

I think I maybe glaring at Teal'c, yup, I'm definitely glaring at him. I'm so used to him doing nothing that it surprises me enough when he does I actually listen _memememememememe, only children mememememememe can't use force on them mememememememe how much harm can they do anyway?_ Well now I'm glaring at him across a place called Carl's Warehouse tidied to a chair while Damien Omen's best buds discuss the best way to brainwash us into taking over their town.  
Daniel's bored because he's found no alien texts to pour over so least I have that satisfaction.

What surprises me the most is that these kids know how to tie people up better than the Goa'uld, these ropes are cutting in, Sam looks across showing that she is thinking the same thing.

"How are we going to get out of this Colonel?"

"I'm not exactly getting comfy either." I twist my head to look around for anything that looks like it can vaguely cut through this rope. Sam's probably just agitated because she hasn't got anything to analyse. Oh God, how am I going to explain this to General Hammond, it'll be round the SGC within minutes, we were held captive by ten year olds, Colonel Ferretti is going to have a field day.

"Hang on Colonel" Daniel started to edge his chair forward; Teal'c's staff lay on the floor "I think I can get with my feet"

"Then hurry up!" I urged, the kids were still arguing in the corner but how much longer they could keep swearing at each other I have no idea.

"Got it!" He triggered the staff with his foot incinerating our bonds, unfortunately his hair flopped over his face at the wrong moment and he accidentally shot the kid in the orange parka. I told him to get his hair cut, next time I'm making it an order, or getting him insanely drunk and doing it in his sleep. On second thoughts scrap the order, that sounds way more fun.

"Oh my God you killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!"

"RUN!"

The team of SG1 dived round a corner and panted heavily, luckily those kids have short legs. Once again, Teal'c was stating the obvious.

"What should we do now O'Neil?"

"I think we lost them." I said, ignoring him, why do I always have to come up with the plan? I glance at my rank insignia, oh. "Lets hide out for a while and see if we can back track to the gate"

"Shouldn't we look around first?"

Daniel's getting really predictable I mouth the words as he says them; Sam smiles at the joke. Suddenly this trip seems worth it. "If you wanna stay around and see the Crayola scribblings of the dysfunctional parents that made those kids be my guest"

Daniel gave me that 'look' again, "I see your point".

I waved my hand, hearing voices and obediently the rest of my team followed me round a corner.

"Dude you are just pssing yourself cos you think your mom's gonna find out"

"I am NOT"

"Don't worry, I'd be scared too, your mom's a fcking….."

"Don't say it Cartman" The other boy cut him off

Cartman went to open his mouth

"I mean it!"

"Okay okay!" Cartman replied

The boy turned to the one called Stan, "I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a….."

Then the weirdest thing happened that I have EVER seen since joining the SGC, weirder than golfing through the Star Gate, weirder than Anice even. The fat kid breaks out into song.

"Kyle's mom's a btch, she's a big fat btch….." etc etc.

However this musical interlude did give us time to sneak behind them to get back to the gate. I really wanna get the hell out of here.

"Damn it sir, the Gate's guarded." Carter returned from her recon with an expression of annoyance.

Is nothing going right on this mission? "By how many?"

"Er, three or four?"

It was unlike Carter to be so imprecise. "Well is it three or four?"

"You'd better see for yourself sir"

I peep round the corner to see a large black guy and an equally large red headed woman. But pondering with them over what the metal ring was, was a skinny guy with a puppet on his head that kept being referred to as Mr Hat. Ahhh that's what Carter meant.

"What's that Mr Hat, we should press the big red button in the middle?"

His team looked on in horror.

"Oooh, I'm not sure we should be messin' with that sht" The big black guy in the Chef's uniform muttered. "A guy could get seriously fried"

The plump red head that reminded him of Ricki Lake put her hands on her hips. "Its probably Canadian, lets burn it!!!!!!!!!"

The Chef put his head in his hands "Calm down Mrs Brovlowski, lets call Mr Gates and see what he can make of is."

Bill Gates??? This is getting stranger by the minute. Lets just do this the old fashioned way.

Taking Teal'c's staff I step out into the light.

"Very subtle Colonel" Sam sneers.

"What?" I look back at her, "You got any better ideas?" I pause for a moment then stop her before she goes to speak. The last thing I need on this planet is another smart-ass on my hands "Scratch that". I turn and address the beings who by now have startled expressions on their faces. This is great, I feel like Kurt Russell. "Listen up people, we're gonna do this nice and easy and no one will get hurt. Now I don't know why your kids think they can use us in a coup d'etat but they can't. So here it is. You are going to walk out the door and not come back until you here a big explosion that may or may not take out half the building. Anybody miss anything?"

Once again the crew of SG1 were tied up in Carl's warehouse. This time I am forced to consider that it may have been partly, a little bit, just slightly my fault. God I hate this planet.

"Sir did you even stop to consider that they may have been able to defend themselves?"

And Sam is loving this. God I hate this planet.

"How many short black cartoon Chefs do you know who do kung foo?" I reply in my 'I'm going go wacko pretty soon' voice. Daniel obviously missed it, yup his hair is definitely going when we get back, I wonder if I can steal some of that hair dye ol' Doc Fraiser uses as well.

"So if he'd had been a mild mannered janitor cartoon dog you might have been a bit more cautious"

"Daniel, shut up"

"This is not helping the situation" Teal'c interjected. "Once again we need to get out of here and back to the Star Gate, destroying the DHD before we go back through"

He's right, these people are worse than the Goa'uld, they'd run riot if they got back to earth, or our dimension or whatever else Sam thinks it is. God I hate this planet, and this time they had the foresight to take away all of our weapons. The hand puppet was extremely brutal in checking me. God I hate this planet.

"Sir!" Sam attracts my attention with a stiff whisper. Oh no, the kids have snuck into the warehouse again.

"Sorry dude" Stan said "Didn't mean to let our Moms get you"

I look over at Daniel, first contact is his speciality.

"Um, Hi"

Maybe not, after all, he's never had children. "Listen kids, if you really want to do something useful, try untying us"

"No, then you'll run away and you won't help us take over the town" Cartman shouted.

"Shut up Cartman"

"Respect my fcking Authoritah"

"Watch your mouth!" I shout at them in my best don't mess with me voice. It seems to have worked because they have shut up.

"Now, it's your fault we're in this mess, so you had better untie us right now" Sam seems to have got the idea.

"Stan!" A girl with dark hair appeared at the back of the warehouse, a blonde curley haired version of Daniel came out of the shadows next to her

"Hello, I'm Gregory, I attended Yardale and had a 4.0 grade average, and this is Wendy"

Stan, is glaring, that look is familiar…wait…wait, it's the look I get when Martoff enters the room, except I don't normally go and throw up over Sam, gross.

"It seems that you have managed to come into our dimension through the abandoned gate that Stan and his friends accidentally stumbled on to, you must leave as soon as possible, the residence of South Park are not ready for such a burden. We have already recovered your weapons"

"Wow" said Kyle, "Wendy's new guy is smart"

Yup, I definitely recognise that glare now.

The kids untie us, except Cartman who watches while munching on something called Cheesy Poofs.

"Right, you guys act as a distraction," I question whether to give the blonde kid large amounts of explosive, but what choice do I have? "We'll go through and you blow the gate behind us, got it"

Actual guards guard the Gate this time. Shit. "You sure you can handle this?"

"Listen mister, since we've already managed to tie you up and gag you I think we can lead some other military dudes" Now I'm getting it from a kid as well as my own team, great. I hate this planet. "Okay okay ready? GO!"

"Sir, Sir?"

"What is it Carter?"

"You fell asleep sir"

"Huh?"

I stare at the TV in front of me, the end credits of South Park are scrolling down. Ooooooohhhhhhhhh.

"Come on sir, you'll miss the briefing"

"And that's a bad idea because?"

A few minutes later I'm sitting in the stuffy conference room with General Hammond and Daniel on one side, with Teal'c behind me. Sam is standing in front of a projector with a clicky thing that I swear gives her a power trip.

"Now, although we have had no response from the probe that we sent to the southern hemisphere of P4RK we do know that the atmosphere is breathable, if we decide to go, it will in fact be a blind jump"

Not again. "We've done this" I shut the report closed.

"It's a briefing" Daniel replies "We do this every day"

"No I mean this briefing, I mean we've already been to THIS planet" Please God no, I really don't want to go back.

"Colonel O'Neil is correct, I am also experiencing a great deal of familiarity of these events" Well at least Teal'c's backing me up for once.

Ah ha, something vague pops into my head "You want to go the planet to set up some kind of remote observatory because of the strange…." Teal'c goes to jump in "Wait I know this……Colour"

"The unusual colour spectrum, yes" Sam says surprised, go me!

"See, how would I know that unless we had been there already?"

"Maybe you read my report" oh, not go me.

Daniel looks over at Sam sceptically, "He read your report?"

I really am going to get him one of these days. The thing is Sam seems convinced now, in fact so does the whole of the SGC. "Just trust me, forget all about the planet, you don't want to go there"

"Colonel O'Neil is correct, my memory of the place was most hazardous" Ha even Teal'c doesn't want to admit he got pasted by a kid.

"The Goa'uld?" Hammond asks.

"Worse, much much much much much much worse" I walk off into the distance dramatically. I like doing that, and I'm pretty sure the others are confused about my state of mental health. God I hate this planet.


End file.
